Trimming the Excess – Emotional Depth in Storytelling
Deleting scenes from a manuscript is similar to cutting off a body limb with dull children’s shears. Well, maybe not quite, but trimming the excess from a manuscript is painful. The outcome, however, is almost always for the best; creating emotional depth in the story.
The words of a particular scene I deleted in Healing of the Heart carried a biblical truth that showed the importance of prayer and reliance on God in the midst of challenges and uncertainty.
It was difficult to watch those words disappear from the page, but deleting the scene was necessary.
In Healing of the Heart, book four in my Discerning God’s Best Series, Thomas consistently turns to prayer and Bible reading as a source of comfort, guidance, and strength, recognizing God’s presence in every aspect of his life. His prayers reflect themes of gratitude, trust, and seeking direction from God.
So why delete this scene?
In the narrative below, Thomas has returned from seeing his friend Douglass in South Philly—home to peoples of myriad skin colors and languages.
Tepid water removed soot and the day’s dirt from Thomas’s face and hands. The mottled reflection in the mirror before him stared back. He’d had no idea how the other half lived.
Thomas wiped the sink and tiptoed back to his room. All was quiet in the boarding house save for a snore from next door. Crocket, most likely. The man’s sleep would improve if he’d shed a few of his unneeded pounds.
No light came from the window as Thomas entered his room, but he shut the curtains, so he didn’t have to wake to the brick wall beyond. He laid out his garments for the morrow and pulled his Bible from the bedside tabletop. The familiar feel of wood on his knees comforted him.
Tears blurred his vision as Grammie came into focus in his memories. He missed her even though she’d been gone for years. The Bible she’d gifted him lay on the worn quilt from home. Grammie had lived life so fully devoted to her Heavenly Father, it had been natural for Thomas to want to do the same.
“Lord.” The word caught in his throat. “Thank you, Father, for the gift of family and their legacy of faith. You deserve all the praise. You directed my parents from South Carolina to Missouri. Your hand was in every detail, even my mother’s passing. I’ve experienced loss at every stage of my life, but You have never left me.”
The deep breath he took helped his next words flow more easily.
“You preserve my soul, Father. You watch my comings and goings, and nothing takes you by surprise. You will not break Your covenant with me. My heart is fully Yours. Help me to honor my response to You in all I say and do. I am easily swayed by the things of this world, Father. Prick my heart when I falter.”
Thomas lifted his head but remained in an attitude of prayer. He’d learned long ago to wait on the Lord and allow Him the opportunity to feed his heart. There were no audible words from above, but Thomas felt the presence of God in this dark place.
Something skittered across the floor. Thomas cringed at the creaking bedframe as he crawled beneath crisp cotton sheets. He’d use the tools he brought to tighten those joints up tomorrow. The lamp still lit and the Bible now on his legs, Thomas sat staring into the shadows the dim flame created. Two changes of summer clothing hung from pegs on the wall. His winter clothing stored at the end of his bed would replace them in a few short months.
“Lord, forgive me for worrying about money when I have more than I deserve. Thank you for my new friend, Douglass and his wife, Harriet. What a blessing to find a gifted seamstress. I see Your hand in this, Father. Help me know how best to repay their kindness beyond the measly funds I can provide.”
Thomas’s eyes drooped. He ran his fingers over the worn leather of the still unopened Bible. The tatted cross from his dear friend, Aideen, stuck out from the thin pages that crinkled as he turned them.
He read the entirety of Psalm ninety then returned to verse seventeen.
“And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us: And establish thou the work of our hands upon us; Yea, the work of our hands establish thou it.”
The words of Moses washed over him. “That’s what I desire. I believe You have called me to be a doctor, Lord. Help me to honor this vocation with my best. When I fall short, Lord, remind me of the clarity of Your voice in knowing this is the path You established for me.”
His eyelids drooped even as his bladder reminded him he’d not used the lavatory earlier. He offered up a silent prayer that the critter he’d heard would not be under his feet when they hit the floor.
He padded down the hall. The tick, tick of the hall clock would take some getting used to, as would sharing facilities with strangers. His nightgown made him look like an apparition in the moonlight coming from the window in the hallway.
Grit clung to his feet, and he used his towel to wipe them before climbing back into bed. He settled in, thinking of the clear air of home before succumbing to his exhaustion.
This passage strikes a balance between readability and informativeness, offering insight into Thomas’s character, but it has no life. In the scene above, I inundate you, the reader, with numerous details, akin to a persistent drip wearing on your patience. That’s just irritating.
I want my stories to be ones you can’t put down, not slog through.
Instead of merely telling a story, I aim to immerse you in the experience. Through my words, Thomas’s character should emerge subtly through his actions and attitudes, allowing you to glean insights without feeling spoon-fed.
So, I highlighted, hit control X, then control V, and moved it into a “deleted scenes” folder. It had to go. But I kept the essence of the scene in small ways throughout the story, making it natural and organic—the way I like to read. I hope it’s the way you enjoy reading as well.
Grab a copy of Thomas’s story and see for yourself.
Healing of the Heart is book four in my award-winning Discerning God’s Best Series. If you haven’t read the FREE Prequel, that’s a great place to start. It’s available in eBook and audiobook formats when you sign up for my newsletter. The rest of the books are available on Kindle Unlimited making it easy to binge-read the series before Healing of the Heart comes out on May 10th, 2024.
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I really enjoyed reading the deleted scene. I thought it was very beautiful! Thank you, Heidi, for sharing it with your readers! 💖📚💖📚📚
Thank you, Lana!
I enjoyed the scene. I understand how difficult it is to delete a scene. My first children’s book will be published soon. I had to delete some writing; it was hard. the book almost becomes like a baby. I am reading Healing of the Heart now and I am loving it. Thank you for beautiful stories with God woven into the story in an engaging way. I have been looking forward to this addition for a long time. I am already anticipating the next book. Keep writing! I am already on your mailing list.
Thank you for these sweet words, Charlotte! Please let me know when your book is out!